Day Zero.  I went to the Clinic after class, filled out a few forms, presented my health
insurance (MN state health insurance provided to poor people for free) a copy
of "the letter", was examined, had my blood pressure taken, chatted a bit with a
very friendly nurse and a very nice doctor, and walked out with a months prescription
for estrodial (an estrogen) and an androgen blocker (testosterone blocker).
I had no idea I would walk out with the prescription - I thought it'd be a sent in the
mail next week - but no it went really well and the cost was $0.00 (unless they send me
a bill, but I didn't have to pay at the clinic) -I was extremely happy with the doctor
(I know several other trans people who go to her so I had confidence in her going
in and the visit just confirmed what I all ready knew - she's very good).
OK funniest part -I'm talking to the nurse and I'm really going on and a finally
say "I'm kind of babbling right now aren't I? I'm a little nervous..." and she says
"We get that a lot from [transexual people] the first time they're here"

So I went home and I called a friend who is also on hormones and she tells me
I should go ahead and pick up the prescription, so I went to the Wal-mart and
waited for the prescription to be filled and I didn't know how much it would cost
so I got some food with my MN state card for food while I waited (provided to
poor people in MN for free and worth $200/month in food (non-taxable food
items only). finally the prescriptions ready - I hand him my state health insurance
card and the cost is $0.00 for the monthly prescription.

So since I'd borrowed $20.00 yesterday from my mom for the doctor and the
medicine and spent nothing, I decided to buy a 3 pack of pantyhose and a bottle
of contact solution - OK thinking about it now I feel slightly guilty borrowing
money to buy pantyhose - but that really wasn't how I planned it - it just worked
out that way

so I was going to celebrate with a 6-pack, but my friend convinced me that drinking
beer isn't nearly as girly as having some expensive ice cream (and I do want to be
aware of what the drug effects are and not mask them with a hang over or something
like that - if there is a problem, I want to know its a reaction to the drugs not what I
had the night before) so I had some ice cream - which was very good and I shared
it with my dog.

So it's a little box with some patches in it and a little vial of pills

OK one story from my day that I could never make up - I'm taking classes that
go over building maintenance and some custodial stuff -and the teacher wanted
to demonstrate the use of a black light ( to spot animal and people urine stains
and things like that - so we. as a group of 10 guys, the teacher and me all walk
out of the classroom, wait outside the men's restroom until it's empty then we,
as a class go into the men's room and he turns off the light, turns on the black light
and demonstrates how you can spot poorly cleaned areas with the black light, but
OK it's dark, and I'm in the boys room (the only time I've ever been in the boys
room at this facility -because I present as a woman) so yeah, I'm in my skirt
and heels in a dark bathroom with 11 guys, and thinking "I'm just not going to
say anything right now!" happily the demonstration was over in a couple minutes
and he turned the lights back on and we all walked out of the restroom.

Otherwise today was a pretty typical day in class I did wear the pattern print
pencil skirt with the dark purple velvet top and greyish pumps, and I think
I'm going to wear a skirt tomorrow (Day One)

Surprise test today I got over 100% (there were extra credit questions)
it was easy, actually the real surprise is that I wore capris for no good reason,
because I thought we were going to be doing work on floors today.
Instead I was at a desk all day and could have  worn a skirt and heels - oh well

Definitely I'll be in a skirt and heels Tuesday - I go to the clinic right after classes
for my first appointment, and assuming everything goes OK......(knock on wood)
I want to look nice when I drive to the clinic,and walking in in a skirt shows
that I'm used to presenting as a woman and comfortable with it and it's time to
move forward

It's been really hard to get past some of the "taking a drug" aspects but
it's not like taking a recreational drug or alcohol or cigarettes, this is
taking a hormone your body needs to correct physical problems and
make me feel better about myself and my body


As a couple women have said if a doctor said you had the flu and this is what
doctors recommend for the flu I'd take it without even thinking about it

(I'm getting all the wishy-washy stuff out of my system today - I 've put a lot
of thought into this and I'm very sure of myself -I just sound indecisive, because
I have thought about this and waited and gone back and forth and all that
for a very long time, but I'm a former hang-glider pilot -I know it's OK
to seem indecisive, and worry about everything and worry about what
could happen and get all nervous until you walk up to edge of the cliff
 then you either run off and soar into the air or if you have any doubts
about your safety, you step back and call it a day, but honestly, it's time.

PS -that's not me - I flew a white green and yellow Pulse 11m (which I still have)
and actually most of my hang-glider time was aerotows in Whitewater WI, but
I did fly Lookout Mountain and Henson's Gap and the Indiana Dunes and
Hagar City, MN - I'm just making a point about my decision making process.

So like an expectant father, I made a practice drive from my classes 
to the clinic only it was on Sunday and the training facility was closed 
and the clinic was closed - so it probably seems a little silly, but I know 
where it is.  Tuesday is the day I go in for real - right after class.
I'll present my health insurance card and my photo ID and "the letter" 
and meet with the doctor, and then, well hopefully it goes well.
I think I'll wear the same outfit -but today is just a dry run to make
sure I know how to get there, and I didn't actually set foot in the building. 
but that's the clinic.


Church was kind of fun with Al Franken giving the sermon, and I got to shake
his hand so that was cool.  After church I hung out downstairs and chatted
with a bunch of people, then did the "maternity run" to the clinic -which was
a very silly thing to do I admit. Afterwards I drove to the James Ford Bell
museum and took some photos - including my foot in the cast of a dinosaur
footprint (that's one way to make my feet look dainty!) and on the bottom
the mummified pigeon - which is the coolest thing, and the fifth item down is
a really gorgeous card with cutout butterflies -I think I want to try and make
something based on that idea -it is really a very nice card

 Two years ago I had decided I needed to try and transition but I didn't have a clue how,
so I gave notice at my job, enrolled in technical college with the money I'd saved, went to
Airventure to try and think a bit and prayed a lot and worried a lot more.


A year ago I had completed one year of tech school but it would still be several months
before I would wear a dress in public, I had just started a new job and the pay was poor 
and the hours were bad and the transition seemed to be going nowhere


Today I've gone out seven days in a row as a woman, and I'm doing my laundry right
now because if I don't people are going to stop being nice to me (and I couldn't blame them).
I've been attending classes as a woman for several months now and feel pretty comfortable 
that when I see the doctor on Tuesday that I'm ready to take the next step. and I'm confidant
that when I do take the next step I'm going to be able to find a job and support myself
in my transition - which is important to me


Anyways enough preaching -I'm very lucky to be living in Minnesota where the possibilities
for trans people are pretty good, and there is help out there when you starting asking for it.


I went to a Meetup group I belong to that went to the Arboretum (and yes I went there a
couple of days ago -so what -it's a very nice place) there where 12 people and a tour guide
and we walked around the gardens on a nice day and it was fun -so I took some pictures,
and now I'm doing my laundry - well if you're going to wear girls clothes all week, you're 
going to have to wash them on the weekend -I'm not complaining, really, I'm not .

after days like today it's a good thing I'm going to be turning into a woman soon.
I'm in class and I know that the on-the job training will be starting in a couple
weeks and when the actual work starts I won't be able to wear the skirts and
heels to classes anymore -I figure I better get it in now , and so I'm wearing the
dark purple velvet top, a very tight knee length skirt with a purplish geometric 
pattern, but very tight around the tush, with a back slit so it's OK to walk in but 
a little restrictive  and then some grey pumps with 3" heels -so it's a pretty
girly outfit (one test if an outfit is girly ask yourself if the house was on fire, 
and it was 30 deg below zero outside -if a naked guy wouldn't put on anything
you are wearing right now before he ran outside into the cold- it's a girly outfit,
this outfit probably would pass that test).


So as the day progresses the instructor decides to show us some floor cleaning
equipment, and I'm really not dressed for cleaning floors, and I can just see the
hand of destiny in this one - it starts out OK with a vacuum cleaner, and an
industrial carpet cleaning machine and then it's going OK with an 18"
180 rpm floor polishing machine and even though I've never used one before,
at first I'm doing pretty good -push down on the handle the machine goes left
pull up it goes right, back and forth I'm going forward and back and left and
right and everything is OK until suddenly the machine takes off to the left and
I start spinning in a circle and the instructors saying "let go of the switch"
and I'm saying "I am!" as I'm spinning in a circle and the machine is spinning
me around and I go around at least once and maybe one and a half times
before letting both hands off the switch and the machine stops -and of course
the sight of me in my skirt and heels being spun around by this out-of control
machine is pretty funny I imagine (at least everyone else seemed to think it was funny).


I got spun around a bit and let go of the switch and it's a deadman's switch so
as soon as you let go (with both hands) it stops and I didn't break anything or
smashed into anything and other than being a little embarrassed - I was fine - 
so one smiles a little sheepishly and straighten out the wrinkles in one's skirt 
and lets a guy do it next. The problem was I wasn't letting go with both hands
at the same time -as soon as I let go with both hands it stopped, but yeah
it was embarrassing.  


Actually, when  I heard we were going to be working with the floor
equipment, and knowing the way I was dressed today in my pumps
and tight little skirt -I knew something like this would happen - 
it was predestined.


Anyways the torn calf muscle is healing good - it doesn't bother me at all
when I'm wearing heels, and in flats or tennis shoes its stiff but it doesn't
hurt - I want to exercise but I figure I better not push it - it really hurt
pretty bad yesterday morning, and so no exercise yet.


I'm back in guy mode and I'm just going to walk the dog and then
do some stuff at home tonight

My first experience with female problems - I pulled a muscle in my leg working out

this morning and it's obviously related to wearing high heels as much as I have

been lately - in fact my calf is so stiff I hobble in flats or gym shoes, but can walk 

pretty normal in low heels, but the muscle is really tight and hurts when I try

to stretch it out by pulling my toes toward me -so I might be in flats for a few days

while I heel (heel, heal, get it -groan)

Other than hobbling a bit and I really can still walk pretty good as long as I'm

in heels, class was fun and it was a good day - I wore low shiny black pumps,

a blue pencil skirt and a dark purple blouse, and since I got a really good nights

sleep I was pretty attentive -so band practice tonight ,and I'm back in guy mode

and limping pretty noticeably in my guy shoes which don't have heels.

The pictures are form yesterday at Minnehaha falls, #3 and #4 are where former

President Lyndon Johnson stood to see the falls several years ago and as you

can see, if he wanted to see the falls in drag, he would have worn a size 12

womans shoe -that would have made his  trip to see the falls a whole lot more

interesting and historic!

All right I'm just being silly, but on a political note, maybe I can get a picture

of me and Al Franken when he attends service at my church this Sunday

(I'll be the girl in high heels and walking with a cane)    

flats, pumps, flats, pumps -that the shorthand description of my day.
I had the day off from classes and a 5:30 appointment scheduled with
the psychologist so I decided to wear my black dress and pumps for that,
but I brought along my flats and started the day by taking the dog for a
walk at a local off-leash dog park where she ran into the river and cooled
off and wasn't all that eager to leave -but  eventually I coaxed her out
of the river and took her home and dropped her off then I put on the pumps
and drove to a downtown Minneapolis clothes closet.  I picked up about
4 skirts a couple tops and two pairs of pants - so hopefully I have enough girls
clothes for the next two months.  Anyways I went to the Art Museum next
and walked around in my pumps for a couple hours then I went over to Minnehaha
Falls and changed into my flats and walked around and took some pictures
(I'll post them tomorrow) then I went over to the coffee house, put on my pumps
again and had a cup of coffee with my last $2.00 -I read a NY Times article
on Christopher Street (It's a horribly shallow piece on trans people out on a
street corner in NY City ) I read some textbook stuff on MSDS sheets,
then drove over to my psychiatrists, still in my pumps.  I had him update
my "letter" to reflect my attending school presenting as a woman, and
filled out so forms to allow my doctor next week ( to start on hormones)
to talk to my psychiatrist (if she wants to, I gave the authorization that they
could talk to each other about me)  -so hopefully that will expidite things
when I go in for the preliminary tests on the 31st (which is next week -
Oh my God) after that I drove over to group -and was very late bur they
were haing a presentation on HIV and the last 15 minutes of it seemed
interesting (like I said, I was very late) I stayed for the once a month
karoke  and actually got up to sing on the Glee version of the song
:Lean on Me, and got a 57% accuracy - which isn't spectacular,
but there was a barbeque with burgers and chips and salads so
I ate quite a bit, chatted some, sang a karoke song,and headed
home about 12 hours after I first left the house today - so it was
an OK day and like I say flats, pumps, flats, pumps.

I was really tired all day, which makes for a long day but I have tomorrow
off - The school teachers are busy, but us students have the day off -so yeah!
I'm going to go to a clothes closet and look for some skirts and blouses Wednesday
and go see my psychiatrist and go to a barbeque -so tomorrow will make up
for today which kind of really dragged along - I'm not sure  why I was so
tired, anyways it was raining a lot so I wore girls size 16 jeans, brown boots
a gold top, a blue jacket - it looked OK, but I felt kind of heavy - so
it was that kind of day - edgy, feeling heavy, feeling tired, hungry all day
(I'm skipping lunch and breakfast these days) and with a class full of
straight guys and no girls, it's not going to be as much fun as the other
classes were (well one guy might be interested in me, and I sit with
a guy I met in the last class -so it could be worse) -anyways today is over
for me as a girl and I'm going to go jog a couple miles and run some errands
so the days pretty much over as a guy too - I'll turn in early in case I am
coming down with something and that's why I was so tired - but I don't think
so- I think I just let a rainy tuesday give me "the blahs".

The next Tier 3 class started today - and I'm totally out numbered this time -10 guys, two male
teachers, and me. I did wear a my teal skirt and matching jacket with the floral top and
the platform wedges - which is a very "summery" and very girly outfit, but in the other
two classes I wasn't the only girl in the class, and I'll probably start wearing capri's and
flats - I don't want to get too isolated by being too effeminate - but I was feeling pretty
femme today pretty much from the time I woke up - and after class I went to the
arboretum, and there was nobody there just about, and somehow walking around the
gardens in my teal, summery, very girly outfit carrying my purse on my shoulder, and the camera
in my other hand taking pictures of flowers, and not having other people around, so I didn't have
to try and act normal, I kind of loosened up and was doing the girly walk and all that and
really acting pretty femme -but no one was around so it wasn't like I was bothering any one,
I just felt like being silly- so I acted silly.
As far as class goes -this will be an important class for getting a job in a couple months
so I want to do good in it - which won't be a problem- but I want to be taken seriously
too, because I really need a job, and as much fun as wearing the skirts is, when you're
outnumbered 10 to 1, it's probably a good idea to tone down the girly stuff -but I'm still
going to wear a skirt tomorrow and on the 31st I'm wearing a dress (I have an appointment
right after class to see an Ob-Gyn about some bloodwork) so I'll figure on wearing a skirt 
a couple times a week the first couple weeks then when the on-the-job training starts,
I'll dress like I really would in the real world -girl pants, a loose top and flats -tres boring,
but getting a real job where I can present myself as a woman is a major milestone, and
so it's a matter of what is really important, and getting a job is really important.