Yesterday was really nice until I got home. so let me just tell the story
as it happened.

Me and a transwoman friend had made plans to see the
Edina Art Fair at 3 pm - so we met at the Southdale
Mall parking lot and took a free shuttle over to the
fair.  It was very crowded and we strolled around
and my friend looked at a few things thinking about
buying something, but I'm so broke I don't even
pretend I'd buy anything -but it was a gorgeous day
and we strolled around - I was in my blue jean skirt,
a black top and pumps -so I felt ind of pretty and
really nothing to speak of in terms of the crowd -
everyone was polite and no one really noticed us
and certainly if they did they didn't say anything -
which kind of sucked because with that many middle
aged guys I was kind of hoping that some guy would
chat me up, which didn't happen, but the art was
interesting -and I was there just for the art of course
(I was far from the only girl was a bit over dressed and
just there for the art....) at the end we did have a bit of a
philosophical discussion and that was interesting but
then we hopped on the bus and went back to the parking
lot sans any $500 souveneir.

I wanted her to go to the hospital to see my friend and she's
met my friend before so wanted to go, so we got in her truck
and drove to the hospital (as part of my cost-savings plan to
save some gas and the $3 parking fee at the hospital -I'm like the
Jack Benny of Minneapolis trans women).  My two friends spent
a lot of time talking and I spent most of the time listening, but I did
say a few things that I thought were important, and afterwards
my friend commented that what I said was important and
needed to be said, so that was reassuring, and I felt that
my hospital staying friend was realizing that her situation was
tough but that staying in the hospital any longer was doing her
any more good and she should be out Monday and it really is for
the best now.

Can I say honestly I was a little jealous how well they hit it off and
how much they knew about the situation (both of them having been
through it) and all the trans medicines and the anti-depressant medicines
and etc - all of which I'm really ignorant of ( drugs scare me - that's
one reason I'm not on female hormones) but obviously I wanted them to
get together and I thought there was some good that could come of
their joining forces and supporting each other - and if that happens I
really shouldn't be jealous  - it's just I'm lonely too, I mean damn it....
I'm not going to be jealous if they become friends and stuff

But anyways they got to talking and so at some point I got up to use the
restroom  and nobody really noticed ( but I'm not being a jealous cynical
person) and at that moment the phone in my purse rang, and I let it ring
and I got a voicemail.  I got out of the restroom checked and saw I
had a voicemail from an unknown number and put my phone back in my
purse and resumed listening to our conversation. Then on the drive back
in my friends truck I called the voicemail -it was from my brother, he said
I should call him -he sounded concerned, and I remember thinking what
could I have possibly done that is any of your concern? so I told
my friend it was a call from my brother, and we talked about some
of those relationships, but I waited until I was back in my truck driving
home before I called him back - and of course I got the voicemail,
so I didn't leave a message.  Now seriously -if you know that my father
has just had a stroke and is in the emergency room at a hospital - and
you leave a message - don't you think you would mention that?
not just leave the generic "this is K______, call me back"
I get home and my mom left a message where she was so I call my
brother again, this time leave a message " this is G___, I'm just
returning your call"  finally he calls me and tells me what room my
father is in and by this time I've taken my makeup off and showered
and taken the dog out for a minute and I head to the hospital

My dad is in really rough shape, and he's not able to talk but he is
concious and able to respond to some directions, and the rest of
the immediate family is there all ready - so the doctor presents my mom
and the family with a choice for a very risky operation ( 5-10% of being fatal)
the choice has to be made now, and if it isn't done he'll never get better
and if it's done he may get better, he may not - and Mom asks what would
dad want, and it's so obvious that I start talking about dad wanting to get
better (I don't say it but leaving him alive like that would have been horrific)
I go back in the room for a bit and they start making arrangements for the
several hour surgery and the family makes plans to stay at the hospital the
many long hours into the night, and I decide to go home and get some sleep
because everyone is standing around looking concerned and it doesn't
do one damn bit of good -it felt so unholy and monsterous - like my friend
this afternoon, he has to fight his way back -but what the fuck good is my sitting
around the hospital being there the moment he died or giving the "dad I love
you, goodbye kiss" fuck it -I'd rather be asshole and go home and get some
sleep and see him again tomorrow and if he dies in the night I'm a very
twisted person, but screw it -I'm not sitting around a hospital waiting for
someone to die,  just to be there for them, fuck it that's not right

So I heard my mom when she got home around 4 in the morning and the
operation went reasonably well the got most of the clot out but not all
of it and it's too early to tell anything other than that the operation went
reasonably well - and hopefully my family doesn't think I'm some sort
of emotional Frankenstein monster, but if they do they do -standing around
a hospital trying to look the most concerned - it's so unnatural and unholy
I feel so disconnected form every one in my family other than my mother
(and my sister in NY) right now.

Anyways the surgery went well and I was up pretty early and everyone else
is still sleeping so I did my morning work out and I was going to go to a play
with a couple friends tonight, but I really don't want to go so I called one
of my friends and told her what happened and drove over to her place
dropped off the tickets so they could still go (and collected $5 ) ,
but I'm sure I don't want to go tonight, and I skipped church, but
I did take the dog out to the dog park and jogged a couple miles,
and I suppose I could stand around a bit and look concerned
or I could put on my shorts and some suntan lotion and mow the lawn
I think I'll mow the lawn,. Then go to the hospital in the afternoon

I have to show up en femme to class tomorrow, I can't give up that,
to transition has been my dream for so long that I just can't back
down now but I get out of class take off the makeup to see my dad
at the hospital, that's fine with me -it's the same thing I've been doing
anyways. And hopefully things start getting back to normal soon

PS - I was really stressed out yesterday and apparantly leaving
voice messages without key information is a family trait - my
mom called my sister about the stroke and did the exact same thing,
I don't get it, but it's what our family does, so I just need to accept
 it and kind of apologize  for feeling otherwise but that stuff